This is a companion article for our conversation about discomfort, which you may also like to listen to.
Everything we want lies on the other side of discomfort. Here’s the problem: we’re wired from birth to stay on this side, the comfortable side. Unless we can learn to cross over, we’ll never get what we want.
Growth, aliveness, deep personal connection. Those are just a few of the things we desperately seek that can feel too painful to achieve. But discomfort doesn’t have to be a barrier, it can be a teacher. This article will show you different ways of looking at discomfort so that you can achieve your greatest personal goals.
Why we’re stuck
From an evolutionary standpoint, we’ve existed in this modern, industrialized world for about a split second. Our bodies and minds are geared toward survival in the wild, and a lot of what we experience on a day-to-day basis is the result of that primal programming.
Our nervous systems evolved to keep us safe. That worked great when the threat we faced was lions, but becomes a massive disadvantage when it’s difficult conversations, learning new skills, or practicing vulnerability.
Without examining and reframing the experience of discomfort, your body will actively hold you back from achieving the growth and connection that you consciously desire.
Not all discomfort leads somewhere worth going
That isn’t to say that all discomfort should be ignored, or dismissed. Productive discomfort, which looks like vulnerability, learning something hard, physical training, or taking creative risks all have something valuable on the other side (connection, mastery, strength, authentic expression).
Warning-signal discomfort is not a threshold to be crossed, but rather a boundary to respect. Toxic relationship, overwork and burnout, trauma responses, and any similar acute discomfort is a valid sign that you’re doing something wrong.
Learning to identify the difference in those feelings is the very first step. Ask yourself the question, “Am I avoiding this because it’s genuinely unwise, or because it threatens my self-image or pushes my comfort zone?”
It’s comfort zones that we’re trying to expand out of, not rational emotional and physical safety.
What’s waiting on the other side isn’t comfort
A different way of thinking about the shift is not to move toward discomfort, but rather to move toward what you value. On this adventure, getting what you want doesn’t guarantee that everything feels comfortable again; that’s just the same trap with better marketing.
Learning to move through discomfort gives you access to what you want: deeper relationships, new skills, a version of yourself who can handle hard things, and more self-confidence. Willingness to feel the discomfort is the price of admission.
Rather than asking “How do I avoid this feeling?” ask yourself “What’s on the other side of this feeling that matters enough to face it?”
Three tools for getting to the other side
Tool 1: the “nice vs. kind” distinction (know what you’re crossing for)
In the context of relationships, being “nice” keeps you on this side of the growth boundary; it’s a safety-seeking behavior that avoids social discomfort through people-pleasing (like when you don’t tell someone they have spinach in their teeth).
Being “kind” (or practicing “radical candor,” a term popularized by the business leadership author Kim Scott in her eponymous book in 2017) means crossing the discomfort of real honesty: telling them about the spinach, setting boundaries, giving honest feedback, saying the hard things.
“Niceness” erases opportunities for deeper relationships, building trust, and creating authentic connection based on our real selves.
“Kindness” recognizes the long-term value in being the people we truly are, and not performing for the sake of protecting anyone’s hard feelings in the near term. Putting comfort before honesty never leads to deeper connections.
Notice when you are being “nice” to stay comfortable, rather than being “kind” to get to what’s real.
Tool 2: defeat anticipation (the other side is closer than you think)
When you’re facing the prospect of an uncomfortable situation, you may be filled with dread and anticipation. When you’re spiraling through catastrophic outcomes in your mind, it makes crossing through the discomfort seem even more dangerous than it is.
In reality, the actual experience is rarely as bad as what you dread, and once you are in motion you discover that you have much more agency than you thought.
When you’re stuck in anticipation, you can’t see how to get through, you can only be paralyzed by planning and “figuring out,” which ultimately seldom works because life in general is unpredictable. But in motion, you can adjust, respond, and learn. You can “find out” the actual path to the other side.
Here’s what you do: notice when you’re stuck in dread or anticipation, and ask yourself, “What’s the smallest first step toward the other side?” and take that step before your brain makes the distance seem infinite.
Tool 3: hack your nervous system (reframe the crossing)
Have you heard the saying, Anxiety and excitement are the same from the neck down? Both create identical physical sensations; your body is preparing you to cross, and the only question is, What is the story you will tell about it?
Remember that doing something courageous feels like being scared, because courage comes from acting in spite of fear, not without it. You can choose to interpret the sensations as excitement about what’s on the other side rather than fear about the experience of crossing over to it, e.g. “I’m about to get to the other side of something challenging” rather than “I’m scared.”
Remember, this only works for productive discomfort (public speaking, difficult conversations, trying new things), not genuine threats or trauma responses. Some discomfort is a warning, and you should listen to it.
Eventually, you will discover that the sensations you’ve treated as “stop signs” are just signals that your body is getting ready to do the hard thing, making the crossing possible.
Start crossing
Begin by choosing one place where something you value is on the other side. Maybe it’s having an honest conversation, sharing your creative work, setting a boundary in a relationship, or trying something new where you’ll be bad at it.
Cross with awareness: notice whether the anticipation was worse than doing the hard thing; notice what agency you discovered while moving through it; note what became possible that wasn’t before.
For bonus points, catalog the evidence that shows you that you are capable of crossing over. Rewrite the default that tells you that you can’t do it, that it’s too hard, that it’s too uncomfortable. This builds your crossing muscle and helps you internalize the strength you possess to grow and learn.
What’s on the other side isn’t comfort, it’s aliveness instead of numbness, growth instead of stagnation, the things you value instead of things that just make you feel safe, and the version of yourself that can handle anything that you will face in life.
If everything you want is on the other side of discomfort, what’s waiting there that’s worth crossing for?